I Wish I Believed in God...

            Sometimes I wish I believed in God as Christians see Him. Sometimes I wish that I saw Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Sometimes I wish that there was nothing that comforted me more than stepping into a church and hearing those hymns sung by the choir. But that’s not the path I’m meant to walk. It’s not how I was wired to perceive our origins and our creator. But every now and again, when the people around me are joined in prayer, talking casually about the “good Lord,” I wish it was.

            I do not mean this to dishonor the path I’ve chosen, or to offer regrets. I mean this as a young woman living in a world that is predominately Christian. Think about it for a minute. I follow a faith that most people are not even aware exists, or if they are aware it’s probably right up there with believing in UFOs in their book. I’ve had my mom make the comment to me that “at least my god is real.” Atheists could have all too much fun with that, and I’m tempted to as well. However, if you want to go by the numbers game, it’s easier to believe what everyone else is saying is true I guess, especially when it’s something you can’t see. The more people who say that this is fact, the more wont most humans are to believe it. Unless you’re a skeptic atheist, or someone who wasn’t quite content on that path, like me.

            I wish I could share the joy I’ve found in my faith with my family. Instead, when my grandfather died last year, I only could say that he’d gone to a better place, not that I believed he rested in the arms of the Goddess. Not that he’s in my idea of heaven, what some modern Pagans like to call the summerlands, playing music with Johnny Cash and Elvis. It’s stuff like that. My main comfort, though, is what Bear is always too happy to remind me. We’re all worshipping the same thing, we just go about it differently. Not everyone is going to be the same or even get along, so why would we be capable of agreeing on the who and how of the creator? We connect better with some people than with others. I connect better with a Goddess than I ever did with the Christian God. That is the beauty of faith and spirituality, but it’s a rose with thorns. History shows that, with so many wars fought in the name of religion.

            The whole concept behind this blog is the need to fit in, the need to connect with other human beings. However, in the interest of being true to myself and my truth, I can live with being on the outskirts. It might suck on occasion, but that’s okay. Nothing in this life was meant to be perfect, but it can come pretty damn close if we let it. If we smile and keep on trucking in spite of anything that gets thrown at us, it’s almost as if the universe stops and stares in utter shock. And that’s the best feeling ever.

            Sometimes I wished I believed in God. But then I remember who I am and the bond I’ve found with my Goddess and having that small thing to relate to others with isn’t such a big deal anymore.