Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Let Me Be Your Ruler

            Last week was an off week. I didn’t get my minimum word count, I didn’t put in as many new job applications as I wanted, and I had nothing waiting to go up on the Kelswitch on Monday at 9am. It was definitely one of those weeks where your head is just not in the game, it’s everywhere else that’s dark and dreary. The general ups and downs of life, I’d venture to say. We all go through them, some worse than others. But I’m still putting one foot in front of the other, and reminding myself that I have accomplished something this year at least, and I’m working for more.
            Though there are moments where I’d rather be anywhere else in the world, third shift isn’t without its positive aspects. When I get up, I don’t have to immediately get dressed and go to work. If I worked first, I would have to. When I get home in the morning, I kill some time, winding down before I hit the hay for the day. And the ride home in the morning is my favorite part. When I walk out the door at six thirty in the morning, I have a pep in my step because I put in my time and was productive with it. Until this week, I’d leave the parking lot with the sky above me still black with night. By the time I reach the half way point to home, the sky has lightened to blue, with rosy colors marking the rise of the sun. It’s gorgeous.
            This week, winter is alerting us to its approach because the sky is still dark when I reach home. The days grow shorter and the chill in the air goes deeper. I relish it and see the leaves changing and falling, feel God losing his strength and Goddess gaining hers. His death is imminent, but reincarnation is promised in the womb of Mother Earth. This time of year is always so spiritual for me because I feel more connected to the divine than any other time.
            I’ve become a little cynical in regards to my Bachelors degree this year, but recently it dawned on me that I never really saw past getting it. With that in mind, it’s no wonder I’ve felt so lost this year.
            When I was in grade school, my biggest goal in life was getting a college degree. It was the one thing I knew I would do, that I wanted to accomplish. After I graduated, I sat in my car holding my degree, just overwhelmed because I had done what I set out to do. It was a heady feeling, but it was like coming to the finishing line with no idea where to go next. I’ve always had some vague idea of getting published, but I had no solid plans or goals once I had that degree in my hand. And I still don’t. I want to get married. I want to be published, but that’s all dependant on things outside of my control right now. I want some vague job working in a nice office somewhere, making a difference for someone else’s day. But that’s no solid plan, and getting there from my job now as a kit assembler has me a bit stumped.
            I’m rolling around possibilities in my mind,  but right now my only definite plans are to finish my novella, do revisions on it and on my novel, and maybe start the next novel. Being with my Bear is the only addition to those plans, and that’s all I got right now. Maybe it’s all I need.

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